This week I received a request. “Please make a video on attracting love and a romantic relationship. I have been heartbroken, clueless and doubtful about it all.”
You apparently have had some unfortunate experiences with relationships and are unhappy in this area of your life. I would chant to determine what you need to change in your life, to overcome the karma that has made you suffer. See my video, Know How to Lessen Karmic Retribution? published 11/21/19. When you address this karma you won’t attract these kinds of people in the future.
I am going to respond today from two points of view. The first is from my counseling background and then we’ll talk about how to chant for a relationship.
Purpose of Marriage
he purpose of having a relationship and a marriage is to be happy, but in order to be happy certain conditions have to be met. You don’t want to choose a partner when you are feeling insecure about everything. That could lead to unhappiness in a long-term relationship. You want to establish a happy life for yourself first. We know as Buddhists that happiness is an inside job, that no one else essentially can make us happy.
Being essentially satisfied with your life gives you a foundation of strength. You aren’t needy then, which can lead to choosing someone prematurely or push away a potential partner. Happiness is attractive.
When you’ve decided you are ready to date, look for potential partners through people you know, who would know something about the person. Also, look in your faith community. This is not a requirement but again others you know will know something about the person.
The Dating Process
Date a number of people to get to know them. Don’t date one person and close it off. Dating the field gives you experience in evaluating potential partners and allows you to discover what you might like or not want in a partner. Don’t invest yourself physically or emotionally until you’re pretty sure the person is the right one for you. People get into trouble when they rush into a relationship prematurely and get emotionally involved before really knowing the person.Take your time and get to know the person over a year or more. The first step is building a friendship. There is no rush.
Getting to Know You
Here are the kind of things you want to discover during the getting to know you period.
1. Do you have interests and life experiences in common?
2. Do you feel you are on the same wavelength and have similar values and beliefs?
3. Do you genuinely like this person? Can you have fun together? Is this person interesting?
4. Are they basically happy with their life? Real love doesn’t happen when two people are dependent on one another, but thrives when each is strong in their individuality and basically content in their life.
5. Are you attracted to this person on a physical level?
6. Does this person have integrity? Are they trustworthy, and truthful?
7. Have they been faithful in a former relationship?
8. Are they responsible financially?
9. Are they respectful of your needs and wants?
10. If something goes wrong are they willing to look at their behavior and take responsibility or are they always blaming others or you?
11. Is this a relationship where each of you can be supportive of one another’s hopes and dreams? Do you want similar things out of the relationship? For example, do you both want children or not?
12. Is he/she comfortable with getting to know your friends and family?
Getting to Know the Dark Side
It’s important to date long enough so that you can discover the faults as well as the good side of the person you are dating. In a dating situation the best side is usually presented first. Then you have to decide whether you can live with the faults, as the person is unlikely to change after marriage. No one is going to be perfect. We all have our positive and negative traits.
There are some danger signals to look out for. If you find them I would look for someone else.
1. Is the person rushing the relationship, wanting to spend all their time with you?
2. Are they pushing a sexual relationship before you are ready?
3. Does the person lie?
4. Do they have an explosive temper?
5. Are they trying to get you to drop anything which doesn’t put them in the center of your life? For example, interests, classes, friends and family. Is he/she controlling and possessive?
6. Be very suspicious if a former spouse won’t let the person see his/her children. It’s usually battering, molesting or drugs and alcohol. Can they use substances with moderation?
7. Do you have any reservations about this person? If so, don’t ignore them but check them out.
Chanting for a Potential Partner
Now that we have discussed the dating process and some of the things to look for, let’s look at how to chant for a potential partner.
First you need to decide what you want in a partner, just as you would do for any other goal. Once you know that then chant for the person that has those characteristics, who would be perfect for you. For example, perhaps you want someone that has a spiritual life, is emotionally and financially stable, who can be self-sufficient, etc. Then chant for that and be open to any form in which those characteristics might show up.
Trust the universe to bring the right person to you. You don’t need to know how.
Take action when you get ideas on steps to take that will move you closer to your goal.
Don’t give up if you want a kosen-rufu partner and there don’t seem to be any around. Keep chanting for what you want. Once you start dating someone, you might find they start the practice. I started the practice, after I dated my now husband for a while. I think the practice is a marvelous foundation for a marriage although it’s not a requirement.
If doubts arise, let them go and refocus on what you want. Remember we get more of what we give our attention to, so focus on what you want.
Today we looked at the dating relationship and what you want to learn about a potential partner as you date.
Then we examined how to chant for a potential partner.